


Ultimate Evil... Or you know, not.

by Irishrose



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer (TV)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-24
Updated: 2020-10-24
Packaged: 2021-03-08 17:07:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,148
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27180175
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Irishrose/pseuds/Irishrose
Summary: An interview with an Ubervamp
Comments: 1
Kudos: 5





	Ultimate Evil... Or you know, not.

Title: Ultimate Evil...or you know, not.  
Rating: PG-13  
Subject: An interview with the Ubervamp

Hi! I’m Mitch. I know you wanted to talk to my brother Earl, but he’s a little busy being eternally tortured at the moment. I’m scheduled for my next session in about 3 hours. So, what is it you wanted to talk about? Life as an ubervampire? Oh, that’s cool. I can do that!

Humans have no idea what it’s like to be a vamp. They romanticize it and they condemn it; but, really, they just don’t know. Evil? What is evil? Do you really know? I have a soul. Just because it isn’t a human soul doesn’t mean it isn’t there. My idea of torment and your idea of torment probably aren’t the same thing.

I gotta tell you, it was pretty rough living down in that cavern as long as we did. TFE (that’s what we call The First Evil) kind of rounded us all up some centuries back and stuck us down in that forsaken hole. You know, I think she missed a few in the round-up though, ‘cause I never saw my friend Eddie down there.

TFE can’t hear us in here can she? Cool. Not that I’m worried, mind you.

You ever been stuck in a hole in the ground with several thousand other vamps and sealed in for several hundred years? No? Well, let me tell you, it SUCKS! I mean, we vamps are kind of solitary anyway unless it’s convenient or they are some kind of weirdoes. Those Bringer people promised us all fame, and mayhem, and fresh young fatlings. They never said anything about that being 1000 years down the road! Then there’s the fact we didn’t have anything to eat. I mean recycling the same blood from beating the crap out of each other gets old after a couple of years.

What was so bad about it?! We were damn well starving. We were packed into that cave. We had nothing to do. I mean, you can only fight, pace, sleep, and screw the same people so many times before you are bored out of your skull. I mean, that’s 7 people a year before you run out of people. I see college kids now who get around more than that!

Sorry, sorry, sometimes I get a little bitter thinking about being stuck down there.

What do you mean, why didn’t we dig our way out? Well, I... I don’t know! I don’t think anyone ever really thought about it. Besides, there was TFE and I’m pretty sure she wouldn’t have liked us getting out and around again. She told us we all had to be ready to rein destruction on earth. We were her chosen ones, and who wouldn’t want that. She can be a right bitch if she wants.

What do I think about the big shots? Ppfffttt. They are wimps. I mean, we kept updated while we were down there. (We had a big screen down in the bottom cavern.) For a pretty boy, that Angelus had some potential. It’s too bad he didn’t get to realize it. I mean, he’ll never be an ultimate vampire, but for one of the younger set, he was all right. Don’t even *get* me started on Dracula!

Others? I’m not sure. To be honest, I think the younger ones can’t handle being a true vampire. They all end up crazy, you know? LeStat is no poster boy for the young and sane. Angelus was a few feet off the mark. Even TFE’s little golden boy Spike was off his nut. I mean, did you see any of *us* wearing the kind of jewelry he went into the cavern with? Not even those little girls wore something that tasteless. I mean, our little rags weren’t the greatest, but I'd like to see you keep your shirt together for 1000 years. No, the younger ones just don’t have what it takes anymore. They certainly won’t know what to do when they outgrow their pretty little bodies, which *will* happen. It may take a long while, but they will grow up and get old like the rest of us.

Why did we all go clamoring up for the one exit? Did you not hear me when I said we had been stuck down there for 1000 years? Hello, just getting to walk 10 feet would have us running for the door. Before we were put in that cave, being a vamp was good. You had your run of the land and your pick of the litter for dinner. How rational would you be after a few millennia?

Am I upset it was a vampire that dusted us all? Not really. I mean, I much prefer going down to a vampire than a bunch of school girls. Let me tell you, there are a bunch of the guys who can’t show their faces around hell anymore! I can’t even imagine how they must feel. I mean, some of those kids weren’t even slayers! At least I can say that I was dusted properly in combat by a vampire with some wicked magic.

How is that kid anyway? I hear he was resurrected as a ghost, poor vamp. Now, that had to be eternal torment. He’s corporeal again? Oh. Good for him. Glad that worked out. But between you and me, TFE says that something big is about to go down. Now, I would take that with a grain of salt. The last time she said that we all ended up dusted. I still think she should have let us all out instead of just Earl that day. That slayer girl would have never known what hit her. I think TFE’s slipping in her old age.

Why didn’t we ever talk when we came out of the cavern? Have you ever tried to get a word in around TFE? She talks non-stop. Can’t get a word in edgewise. Not to mention, after all those years or just shouting and going “grrrr” your voice gets kind of rusty. And there was lots of talking going on, you just didn’t hear it. When we first noticed those kids, Mike asked who had ordered takeout. But, then Jerry shouted something about a light up ahead and it was all mayhem after that. I swear we had nothing personal against those kids, we just wanted the hell out of there!

Hey, my phone just buzzed me. Must be time for my appointment. I’m getting fitted for some new briefs. Speedo’s. Now there’s a bit of torture, let me tell you!

Well, I really gotta go. Earl’s going to tell us about this comedy he just saw about some guy named VanHelsing. He said it was a riot. Give me a ring sometime and we’ll get together with the guys and talk some more.


End file.
